{"id":35150,"date":"2020-05-22T07:11:32","date_gmt":"2020-05-22T14:11:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/?p=35150"},"modified":"2026-04-22T11:18:17","modified_gmt":"2026-04-22T18:18:17","slug":"getting-through-a-difficult-conversation","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/nl\/2020\/05\/22\/getting-through-a-difficult-conversation\/","title":{"rendered":"Getting Through a Difficult Conversation"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I\u2019ve tried everything from being completely non-confrontational to taking boxing lessons to \u2018pump-up\u2019 my assertiveness after being bullied at work. Neither worked, though. In boxing I broke my finger, which now has a permanent bend, and my \u2018opponent\u2019 still got the right-hook into my emotions, leaving me nauseated, embarrassed and tearful. I often felt deflated after difficult conversations, wishing I could crawl into a hole and never talk to anyone again.<\/p>

\u201cIf you feel you\u2019re about to get into a confrontation with someone, or just another hurtful conversation, stop for a moment (breathe). Now look at your conduct […] drop any behavior that signals hostility or threat. Stop pointing fingers or clenching fists. Relax your gaze, sit or stand straight […] look at your speech […] drop any verbal expressions that incite you or the person you\u2019re talking to. Consciously lowering your voice and avoiding inflammatory speech are things you can choose to do once you bring a sense of mindfulness to your actions.\u201d<\/p>

When I read this section of the book Emotional Rescue I felt that Ponlop Rinpoche had specifically written that for me! So often I\u2019ve tried and failed at difficult conversations, leaving them full of regret, or worse, with more anger and hurt on both sides. While studying the book, I have been working on catching my emotions \u2013\u2013 to see the Mindful Gap, the gap between me and my emotions \u2013\u2013 and then look at the emotions as they\u2019re happening. But this is difficult to do in the heat of an argument! This guide for looking at my conduct is so helpful and easy to do.<\/p><\/blockquote>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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Awareness in a Difficult Conversation: A Practice\u00a0<\/h2>

Practicing awareness helps me to be more aware of how emotions come up in the body. Now when I know I\u2019m in a confrontation, I:<\/p>

  1. Take a breath. <\/li>
  2. Stop talking. The quiet helps to prevent the argument from escalating. <\/li>
  3. Do a quick body scan, starting at the head and working my way down: relaxing my eyes and eyebrows, my jaw, dropping my shoulders, and so on. <\/li>
  4. Check my voice\u2019s origin point and visualize it moving from high in my throat, where I usually feel it in an argument, to lower in my abdomen.<\/li>
  5. Choose my words carefully, first acknowledging what the other person is saying, and then listening to their clarification or agreement. From there I try to not use \u2018you\u2019 phrases, but \u2018I\u2019 phrases. Or, sometimes I just agree with the person and drop it, because during the few seconds that I took a breath, relaxed my body, and lowered my voice\u2019s origination point, I realize that either they\u2019re right, or that it doesn\u2019t matter if I\u2019m right.<\/li><\/ol>

    If you\u2019re finding it difficult to catch yourself before the confrontation gets too heated, or you realize after the fact that you didn\u2019t catch yourself, give yourself credit that you recognized it at all! The good news is you can build up your awareness practice through meditation so that you can become more aware in the heat of your next confrontation. Keep trying, that\u2019s why it\u2019s called \u201cpractice\u201d!<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t

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    \n\t\t\t\t\t\"Rachel\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t
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    \n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tRachel Pradhan\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
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    Rachel Pradhan has been a student of Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche since 1997, working on becoming a more open-hearted and open-minded being. Her career is in marketing, while her at-home life revolves around meditation and family, gardening, hiking, reading, and cooking. She lives in Southern California with her husband and their two sons. <\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    When I read this section of the book Emotional Rescue I felt that Ponlop Rinpoche had specifically written that for me! So often I\u2019ve tried and failed at difficult conversations, leaving them full of regret, or worse, with more anger and hurt on both sides. <\/p>","protected":false},"author":90,"featured_media":35050,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3009],"tags":[3411,3414,3410,3402],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nGetting Through a Difficult Conversation - Nalandabodhi International<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Here are some things to do in the midst of a tense conversation to keep it from getting worse, plus an exercise for practicing this on the spot.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/nl\/2020\/05\/22\/getting-through-a-difficult-conversation\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"nl_NL\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Getting Through a Difficult Conversation - 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