{"id":49247,"date":"2022-04-08T04:30:00","date_gmt":"2022-04-08T11:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/?p=49247"},"modified":"2026-04-21T10:22:27","modified_gmt":"2026-04-21T17:22:27","slug":"this-moment-im-okay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/nl\/2022\/04\/08\/this-moment-im-okay\/","title":{"rendered":"This moment: I\u2019m okay"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I was driving when the phone rang with a call from my doctor. It would be about the pathology report, I thought, so I better answer. She had reassured me the biopsy was \u201cno big deal, just a precautionary procedure.\u201d My body had told me otherwise.\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cDo you have a minute?\u201d she asked, adding, \u201cWhere are you?\u201d Those are not questions that herald a simple, negative test result.<\/p>

\u201cDriving,\u201d I said, \u201cbut I\u2019ll pull over.\u201d And I did, right into a busy bank parking lot. Watching customers hurrying to the cash machine, I heard my doctor say:\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cI guess my questions weren\u2019t such a subtle way to let you know the results came back positive. You have a rare form of breast cancer, about a 1 to 4 percent chance of getting it.\u201d\u00a0<\/p>

\u201cOh, I won the lottery!\u201d I thought but didn\u2019t say because a) it wasn\u2019t that funny and b) the news just confirmed what my body, wisely, already knew. I\u2019ve heard others say their mind stopped upon receiving a difficult diagnosis. I won\u2019t affix that label to my experience, but I did feel peaceful, quiet, settled. For that moment, just as it was, I was okay.<\/p>

For quite a few moments afterwards, leading to several hours, I was still okay, until \u2014 as it is habituated to do \u2014 my mind started to fill in the empty space with words cloaked in dark capes and images colored in shades of black, blue and purple. Like a Jackson Pollock painting with layers of spontaneous splatters, the thoughts kept hurling themselves at the canvas, faster and faster: \u201cI knew something was wrong over a year ago when I made my first appointment. Why didn\u2019t I push it? I don\u2019t want to bring pain to my family,\u201d and finally, \u201cI don\u2019t want this, I\u2019m not ready.\u201d Attracted by the intensity of those thoughts, the emotions of anger and fear joined the party, and soon tears were flowing, flooding any remaining gaps.\u00a0<\/p>

But it also, somehow, didn\u2019t feel real, more like rehearsing for a play or film from my younger years, when I\u2019d call up a sad experience to cry for a particular scene or remember a hurtful past experience to evoke anger. So, I took a breath or several and relaxed.<\/p>

After a bit, I asked myself, \u201cIn this moment, are you okay?\u201d Well, yes, I had to admit, I was okay. The biopsy site still hurt, I didn\u2019t have answers, didn\u2019t know what was to come, but I had some tools to help me not dive into the narrowing tunnel of fear.\u00a0<\/p>

I could pause, breathe and connect with my senses: catch the scent of my favorite lilies in the vase on the counter; watch the wind flip back the alder leaves from green to silver; feel the heat of the sun-warmed concrete under my bare feet. Like the portal to the present that they are, each sense experience landed me smack dab in the moment. I could feel my shoulders, my whole body relax. I could watch the bullying thoughts float away, the emotions fizzle and pop. What remained was beautifully spacious and brilliantly clear. Such profound relief!<\/p>

At some point, I recalled three lines of a song by Milarepa, translated into English under the guidance of Khenpo Tsultrim Gyamtso Rinpoche: Throughout the day and night, look at your mind. When you look at your mind, you don\u2019t see anything. When you don\u2019t see anything, let go and relax.<\/i><\/p>

You have to be present to win, as my teacher Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche will tease, and you have to be present to smell a smell, taste a taste and if you can, look at your mind. It’s a direct, nonconceptual experience. If I ask myself right then and there, \u201cIn this moment, am I okay?\u201d the answer is inevitably, \u201cYes.\u201d<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t

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Exercise\/Meditation<\/h2>

The next time you feel scared or angry, too pinched and crowded by the proliferation of thoughts, you might try these several steps to help ease some of the suffering that happens when we let our concepts escalate. Whether alone or with others, you can experiment with the simple process \u2014 try it at home, in line at the grocery store, on the bus, waiting for a phone call. No matter the situation or condition, we can start to free ourselves from the claustrophobia of frightening or negative thoughts and open to the vast, present moment. It\u2019s a fresh experience sparkling with possibilities.<\/p>

  1. Pause what you are doing<\/li>
  2. Check in with your breath, focusing gently on the exhale<\/li>
  3. Relax your body starting at the top of your head on down to your toes<\/li>
  4. Connect with your senses \u2014 pick one and place your attention there<\/li>
  5. After a bit, try to step back and briefly look at your mind, then look again<\/li>
  6. Ask yourself, \u201cIn this moment, am I okay?\u201d<\/li>
  7. Try to \u201cfeel\u201d rather than \u201cknow\u201d the response<\/li><\/ol>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t
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    \n\t\t\t\t\t\"Juli\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t
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    \n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tJuli Goetz Morser\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t
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    Juli Goetz Morser dined on the smorgasbord of dharma for a number of years, tasting a variety of classes, before enrolling in Nitartha Institute in 2008, where she met Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche. Rinpoche became her teacher in 2010, and she became a member of Nalandabodhi.
    \nJuli is a writer, poet and editor who often writes and edits for Nalandabodhi and Karmapa Center 16.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

    On receiving notice of a breast cancer diagnosis, the author works with the mind\u2019s reactive thoughts and finds relief in present moment awareness. Included are steps for working with any moment of strong fear or anger.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":95,"featured_media":49248,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3009],"tags":[3411,3414,3410,3407],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nThis moment: I\u2019m okay - Nalandabodhi International<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"On receiving notice of a breast cancer diagnosis, the author works with the mind\u2019s reactive thoughts and finds relief in present moment awareness. 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