{"id":53797,"date":"2022-11-04T09:00:59","date_gmt":"2022-11-04T16:00:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/?p=53797"},"modified":"2026-04-01T09:36:36","modified_gmt":"2026-04-01T16:36:36","slug":"self-compassion-takes-courage","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/nl\/2022\/11\/04\/self-compassion-takes-courage\/","title":{"rendered":"Self-compassion Takes Courage"},"content":{"rendered":"<div data-elementor-type=\"wp-post\" data-elementor-id=\"53797\" class=\"elementor elementor-53797\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-inner\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-section-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<section data-particle_enable=\"false\" data-particle-mobile-disabled=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-10ea4f89 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"10ea4f89\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-2b2f4cc2\" data-id=\"2b2f4cc2\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-21545650 elementor-widget elementor-widget-text-editor\" data-id=\"21545650\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"text-editor.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-text-editor elementor-clearfix\">\n\t\t\t\t<p>Self-compassion takes courage:\u00a0 It requires looking honestly at how we create our suffering and then responding to it with love. In particular, we tend to resist deeply examining our role in difficult interpersonal interactions, and instead create all sorts of strategies to rationalize our responses and avoid suffering. Without the courage to pause and look \u2014 and not run away \u2014 self-compassion is not possible.<\/p><p>For example, my deep-seated tendency to feel judged affects my ability to truly listen and stay present, especially in challenging conversations. I become argumentative and defensive, shut down and resentful. I hold tightly to my position and don\u2019t really hear what the other person is trying to communicate. Self-compassion and compassion for the other fly out the window.<\/p><p>So after a recent difficult conversation, I decided to try something new and use the self-inquiry tool developed by my Buddhist community, Nalandabodhi, to deal with interpersonal conflicts. Among the questions were the following:<\/p><ul><li>Have I reflected honestly on my feelings, needs, habitual tendencies and styles of communication so as not to create obstacles to constructive and compassionate communication?<\/li><li>Have I reflected on how my speech or actions may, even inadvertently, have contributed to the conflict or misunderstanding?<\/li><li>Have I taken responsibility for my view, actions, and speech, rather than attributing blame to others?<\/li><li>Am I willing to value kindness and open-mindedness above vindication or being \u201cright,\u201d and to intend a \u201cwin-win\u201d rather than \u201cwin-lose\u201d outcome?<\/li><\/ul><p>Reflecting on and responding authentically to these questions was a real eye-opener for me. In particular, I clearly saw my tendency to respond defensively when I feel judged, and it brought me to tears, remembering how often I felt judged and criticized, even as a young child. I cried for that hurt little girl and held her with compassion. In the process of looking honestly and with clarity, all the storylines and justifications dissolved.<\/p><p>Sometimes we think that self-compassion is self-indulgence. Self-indulgence includes holding\u00a0 \u00a0 on to the stories we tell ourselves to justify our actions and reactions. In contrast, it takes compassion and courage to let go of our narratives and look honestly at our responses.\u00a0 A former therapist would often ask me, \u201cSo what are you going to do about it?\u201d when I complained, repeating my typical storyline: \u201cWell, that\u2019s because my mother was so judgmental.\u201d My therapist\u2019s response used to irk me, but I now find it empowering.\u00a0\u00a0<\/p><p>In troublesome interactions, it\u2019s easy to focus our attention on the other person, attributing all kinds of blame to them, and maybe even trying to \u201cfix\u201d them.\u00a0 When we ignore our responses, we miss the opportunity to understand our own discomfort and cannot meet our pain with compassion. It takes courage to contemplate our reactions, especially our deeply ingrained negative tendencies, and to use the tools of self-inquiry. It\u2019s a positive way out of our suffering and into living fully and authentically.<\/p><p>\u00a92021.\u00a0 Beth S. Patterson.\u00a0 All rights reserved.<\/p>\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t<section data-particle_enable=\"false\" data-particle-mobile-disabled=\"false\" class=\"elementor-section elementor-top-section elementor-element elementor-element-3c30856 elementor-section-boxed elementor-section-height-default elementor-section-height-default\" data-id=\"3c30856\" data-element_type=\"section\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-container elementor-column-gap-default\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-row\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column elementor-col-100 elementor-top-column elementor-element elementor-element-5012521\" data-id=\"5012521\" data-element_type=\"column\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-column-wrap elementor-element-populated\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-wrap\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-element elementor-element-1b58ef9 elementor-author-box--image-valign-top elementor-widget elementor-widget-global elementor-global-36008 elementor-widget-author-box\" data-id=\"1b58ef9\" data-element_type=\"widget\" data-widget_type=\"author-box.default\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-widget-container\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-author-box\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/bethspatterson.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" class=\"elementor-author-box__avatar\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<img decoding=\"async\" src=\"https:\/\/nalandabodhi.org\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/beth-6.18-e1589933754102-300x300.jpeg\" alt=\"Beth Patterson\" loading=\"lazy\">\n\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\n\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-author-box__text\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/bethspatterson.com\/\" target=\"_blank\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-author-box__name\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\tBeth Patterson\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"elementor-author-box__bio\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<p>Beth Patterson is a psychotherapist specializing in grief, loss and life transitions. In her work, Beth relies on Buddhist psychology, mindfulness based cognitive therapy and body-centered therapies. Her articles and ebook are available at www.bethspatterson.com. Beth is a longtime Buddhist practitioner and a student of Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche.<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t<\/section>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Using Nalandabodhi\u2019s tool of inquiry for transforming interpersonal conflict, the author unpacks long-held painful patterns in the context of practicing self-compassion.<\/p>","protected":false},"author":95,"featured_media":53799,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_links_to":"","_links_to_target":""},"categories":[3009],"tags":[3404,3408,3406,3407],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v20.7 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Self-compassion Takes Courage - 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