In my experience, Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche’s book, Emotional Rescue: How to Work with Your Emotions to Transform Hurt and Confusion into Energy That Empowers You, is a helpful practice guide for many life experiences. The Emotional Rescue (ER) method of working with emotions has been an enormous help to me, especially in parenting. 

As the mother of a 15-year-old daughter, I am learning to navigate a new level of emotional intensity. The ER method empowers me to stay centered and open in the midst of painful emotions and helps me to see patterns of conditioning, emotional struggle and unhelpful behaviors. The ER method is described as a three step process: Mindful Gap — the practice of creating a safe distance between you and your emotions; Clear Seeing — the practice of looking at both the emotions and their surrounding landscape; and Letting Go — the practice of releasing stressful physical and emotional energy. You can learn more by reading the book or by taking the ER method course.

I notice episodes of fear, grief and anger when challenging interactions arise with my teenage daughter. I easily feel entangled and slip into unresolved issues, and I am confused by the emotions erupting from her. My response is beginning to change due to the ER practice. In particular, I am softening my attitude toward feeling emotions by giving them permission to arise. The resilience that follows is well earned, and the confidence from riding the wave of emotion grows each time I engage the practice again.      

The first step of the ER practice, Mindful Gap, not only provides space to embody emotion, it provides opportunities for insight. In fact, insights can’t be stopped once we are able to feel, pause and look at what’s arising. Not only does the practice reinforce the ephemeral nature of emotional experiences, it also helps us identify patterns associated with them. Rather than acting out with angry responses, I am now able to pause and tend to the vulnerable, fearful aspects of my experience. Pausing and delaying the impulse of anger allows space for wisdom and kindness to arise. The result is that I am responding to my daughter with more clarity, whether through compassion, better listening or strength in holding my ground. This feels so much better than acting out unconsciously and from a place of fear. 

While outcome is not the focus of engaging in a practice like ER, I did receive  an encouraging message from my daughter. As we were driving in the car recently, she was expressing some form of complaint and preparing for the argument and frustration which often accompany our scenarios of conflict. However, this time she noticed the shift in my demeanor. She expressed her recognition by commenting, “I’m really frustrated, and I know you are, too. The difference is you are a lot more patient now!” It was a moment of wisdom shining through. The space allowed her to feel her emotion as well, and to experience the insight that comes with space — an experience that is crucial in developing healthy communication and relationship.