We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.
T. S. Eliot, Four Quartets

To celebrate spring, our eighth-grade class at Rödabergsskolan international school in Stockholm made a field trip to Haga Park. This included orienteering, which involves using a map and compass to navigate the terrain. We learned to cast a reverse azimuth, a method of discovering one’s location by means of landmarks, geometry, and arithmetic. This backtracking skill has stuck with me: instead of following the compass needle out to the landmark, you reverse 180 degrees, and return to where you started.

Applying this principle has been helpful for me as a meditator. Tracing my thoughts and judgments back into my heart from seemingly separate, outer, triggering phenomena has opened my mind to new ways of thinking and feeling. 

This is especially true whenever I use the word “should.” “Should” implies a value system; an internalized framework of concepts by which I judge my experiences. When I make certain kinds of statements—“She should be more like so-and-so” or “Things shouldn’t be this way”—I’m making a judgment based on my social conditioning, cultural upbringing, and acquired values. “Should” is a big red flag that can teach us a lot about our mind.

It’s like shooting an arrow at a target. The arrow is my attention, and the target is whatever external phenomenon I am judging. The trick is to remember that there is a trajectory which can be traced back into my own mind, like a string tied to the arrow. If I backtrack and follow it to its source within me, I can explore the internal framework of concepts and values from whence the judgment came. I can try to understand that the “should” is coming from my own subjective point of view and is not an objective fact. You can even go further, and look for the looker.

Engaging in self-reflection this way helps us to see things as they are, not as they seem. We invite ourselves to go deeper, to investigate our habitual patterns of judgment and values that we often take for granted. As we do so, we find that there is space there, a gap where we can decide how we want to proceed. We don’t have to be prisoners in our own mental cage. We can open the doors of our mind with curiosity and liberate ourselves by means of looking within.

Exercise

  • Take a comfortable seated posture and set a positive intention.
  • Rest your awareness gently but consistently on the physical sensations of your natural breathing.
  • Notice when you become distracted, especially with any “shoulds.”
  • Trace the thought’s trajectory back into your own heart, and look at where it came from, with curiosity and without any judgment.
  • Let go of the looking, and simply relax.
 Nick Vail
Nick Vail

Nick Vail is a Karunika (teacher) for Nalandabodhi who lives in Maine.
A single parent, he enjoys quality time with his son, being in nature, playing the guitar, singing, dancing, and meditation.

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