Mindfulness and Changing Habits: From Frustration to Party Time
Aaargh! I did it again! My partner said something. I felt vulnerable. I escaped that feeling by getting angry and said some mean things. I hurt my partner’s feelings. And now I’m angry with myself, disappointed, and discouraged. How many times have I done this, genuinely regretted it, and promised myself I would react differently?
Will I ever learn?
Commitment to Change
I know that change is hard. As with so many harmful patterns, my habit of responding with anger has been built over decades. But I don’t want to give up. Once again, I decide to work on this negative pattern.
So, I set my intention. When a feeling of vulnerability shows up, I will notice it and then welcome it as an opportunity for a new response. I challenge myself to let go of self-protection and invite a feeling of excitement when I recognize unpleasant feelings. That recognition could create a truly miraculous moment—when a mindful gap opens up a space for choice. I don’t have to respond in the same old patterns.
Mindfulness
From within that gap, in that moment of awareness, I want to throw a little party, celebrating my mindfulness and the opportunity it creates for something new. At this party, I want compassion to be on the menu, especially compassion toward myself for all the times I felt—in my confusion—so scared and hurt. Maybe throwing myself a party will help me feel more accepting of my mistakes and less helpless. After all, if I have enough inner resources to throw a party and serve compassion to myself, how helpless can I be?
Maybe I can even respond to my partner—after my mindful gap party—with the same compassion I have just offered myself. But even if I don’t, my intention will be to understand and forgive my error, reset the intention to make changes, and continue on, celebrating my repeated efforts as part of the path.
Contemplation
- Sit comfortably in a quiet place.
- Think about a painful habit that you haven’t been able to let go of.
- Consider: What seems to bring it on? What is the first sign that it’s starting to launch?
- Set an intention to recognize that sign and celebrate that recognition as a seed of change.
- Do a little more planning. How will you respond the next time that feeling arises? And how will you celebrate your awareness? With a little whoop? By picturing fireworks? By sending yourself a party hat emoji?
- Celebrate your ongoing mindfulness!
A student of Dzogchen Ponlop Rinpoche since 2015, clinical psychologist Ellen Balzé began working with the core Path of Mindful Activity team in 2018. Collaborating with other Nalandabodhi members on various projects has created precious opportunities for her to pause, relax, and reflect. She enjoys baking bread and caring for succulents.
